Saturday, June 27, 2020

A wait for times together....forever

My day begins with your name, followed by a sigh of deep refreshing breath
Makes it a perfect start to a new beginning, a new day.
The morning rays of sunshine cuts through glass and gleams over my window pane
Is it your shadow that curtains my closed eyelids
Leading to dreams in the form of changing shades of VIBGYOR
Yet! confidently I await your arrival- everyday.

Friday, August 3, 2018

A page named - Oakwood, IL

A page from my life....

We spoke like we knew each other and in a nutshell I can say she comes out as someone intelligent and smart. We connected instantaneously and she spoke as if she knew me and was willing to be my protector, for I come out as an individual who is submissive with a weak heart. She was willing to be my protector, experience life with me and talk out our differences, know my past and was willing to take on the challenge to live with me!

But I failed and I let her down, last  we spoke, I heard her cry and that now echos in my ears. I broke someones heart and made them lose faith in themselves and most importantly- Love! Have I made a mistake, looks like. I told her things were moving too fast and that I was not prepared unless I was sure that she is the one. But she accepted me for what I was, maybe I wanted more off her- then why did I let her go, why?

And now, I'm dejected and feel insecure about everything that happens around me, she has left an impression and I'm left with four sided walls of loneliness within me. On one side there is a broken heart and on the other, a heart that doesn't deserve true love! A big mistake, learn to understand emotions and not the people, life happens once in which we make mistakes, but if your decision haunts you, it's a mistake by YOU!

Just Amazed Me In Everything!


Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Humans- Do make mistakes

Mistakes - over shadowed by mistakes: A cover blown!

A critical juncture of life, where I stand today, blaming myself for the things I do wrong. Realize, the mistake I've made and again falter and fall- face down! When does the learning curve meet the horizon? When is it that a person becomes near perfect? Being good doesn't mean you're ideal, doesn't imply your thoughts are sane. It makes you arrogant, shuts you down and also makes you invincible to yourself, while the world wonder about the change in us.

Your arrogance defines your actions and your anger portrays your true attitude towards life. When did I last listen or understand peoples feelings. Did I lose the Midas touch of been the good old, myself! Do I hurt people more and not realize it, have I made it a habit to repeat my mistakes time and again and forget the true essence of been simple and understanding. Have I!

Humans, do make mistakes and so I'm no exception to this rule. But did I hurt someone to such an extent that there is no regret in me. My inner self says, yes- but can I change this about me? I doubt, I quite doubt but I HOPE!

Blog written - 08/01/2018
By: Jonathan A. Martin

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Fortune Cookie Love

Always wondered how would it feel when lady luck strikes you. Even wondered how does it feel to be among the lucky ones (or maybe the luckiest one)? Get so close to achieving something and feel the missed opportunity ?  Upon reflecting again and again feel like something that was destined was missed by a whisker J Let me share some instances to explain how the luck favored me and instilled the thought of being the one, rather the selected one in this fairytale.

If I have to start it the grandma ways, it all started on one bright sunny day when this beautiful girl wearing a blue colored jersey and pink shades wearing the best fitted jeans walked into the cricket ground, my first expression- stare!!!  Man, wasn’t she looking good with the bright smile on her face, back tracking the day, October 23rd 2011, the day when I met her and  that’s when it all started.

-          We spoke so much, that neither of us even had a hint that we were hitting on each other. Met again in the evening followed by dancing, boozing, hugging, speaking to holding her around her waist everything was as per the plan until the foolish dumb fucker woke me up and shook me so bad that I lost my ground and ended up hooking her up to someone else. Ask me to prioritize my own list of blunders and this would be in the top two, for what I wanted just drifted away and I did feel the nip. At times realization does good to people but I feel troubled for having realized something so stupid that I gave away a beautiful girl. Knock me on my head and wake me up for this dream haunts me day and night, for I could have had you the very first day.

Months passed by and to break it down further days flew like the aging leafs from a plant which loses its sheen due to the cold breeze which swipes across with the change in season. Similarly every time I saw you the feeling of regret for being a good Samaritan just haunted me so bad that I ended up not doing something for 18 months which could have happened the very first day when we met J. Never imagined that my magnanimity of deeds would cause a deep pain in my heart which lead to me ignoring what I liked, which in this case is you. Then I started loving you, imagining what would or could have been mine. This said, until the day when the re-connect happened, we exchanged messages and sent each other a text on your birthday followed by the hug, “Thunders and waves as devastating as the Tsunami just swept across this innocent heart and the left over was a aftermath  marred  with loneliness”.

Every time I peeped through the public to get a glace of you or maybe desperately walk past you the opposite direction the only feeling that remained was you were not meant for me, for the smile on your face when with others as company made me realize how bleak my thought towards you was which lead to the next phase of my life – “Ignorance”.

That said, never did it strike me that you always tried reaching out to me to stay connected while I was trying to hide and not face you, for every gait of happiness was just diminishing when I saw you with the person to whom I tagged myself as a  loser, for my thought just ruined it all. But there was effort always from my end to impress you, recalling few instances - from talking to Sachin based on our conversation to rehearsing the dance moves when you had come, everything just an act of “desperation” to impress you, still felt dejected and low for my life was missing you.

Then came the day when on my birthday your thought sparkled and you gave me a call, trust me I never understood what you spoke for I termed you as someone too fast paced in terms of your speech but the words just filled my heart and I felt so exuberant that I felt the need to ask you if you would want to be a friend and then the “Promise” of never letting you sulk rather make you feel happy about your stay in Hyderabad. We initiated a talk again when I called you on April 22rd and the only line I can paraphrase from that conversation is, Can we go out for a date? Now that kicks off the spark and I dropped you home the very next day to seal the deal, the striking cord which made the noise as sweet as a harp, I will never forget our conversation sitting in the car, man that was “destiny” for I never imagined what I thought off would actually become a reality, which is , you and me for as per me, we were really meant to be J This I tag as the “Need for Love in  my life”.

April 24th 2012, the day when I intended to break the silence and both of us knew where we were heading still played the blind man’s game with a set direction, we both knew what we wanted and finally the water game did the trick and even before I could realize, I was in your kitchen, with my arms around you, started kissing you with such a good thought, pushed you against the wall, locked my lips against yours. Sat beside you on the sofa and did the lip lock again, everything that we did just revolved around a kiss and what fun was it, words might not be enough to explain the intensity of the kiss nor the feeling which was within the two of us when the lips touched against each other. Call it liking or call it the need, what I realized that day was if you like someone, just realize it and make sure that you share your feelings for it doesn’t cost a thing, for my love was clean, my love was simple and pure and I had you In my arms even without uttering a word.

The next three weeks was about knowing each other and though we ended up getting to the bed room, the only thing which separate us was a drink, which happened on the 12th of May, I came home and we had the first instance of the bond which made the two of us one, for we cuddled, we rolled and kept talking to each other about what we thought about each other right since the day we met on October 23rd.

The rest of the day’s mentioned include a lot of memories which include few major happenings or for the use of a better term I would say instances of our life which for sure impacts the two of us:

June 20th – The very first time when you said that you and I can marry each other, for we can live the rest of our life as a couple.
July 15th – A letter so cutely written about the time that we spent laughing  in the morning until our tummy actually hurt, trust me the time spent, the two days will always be cherished for that was the night when I spent with you and ended up in locked doors, reminds me of the song “Hum Tum J
July 22nd – The day when I struck you with love for that was special, we clicked a lot of pictures that day, officially since then we belong to each other and this aptly suites the situation “Jo Tera hai who mera hai J
August 5th – Friendships day, turned into a relationship day for me for we made it public and let the entire world around us know that we are seeing each other.
August 24th- When I surprised you and we actually ended up committing to each other that our relationship now means more than commitment *ringing bells*.
September 3rd – Our date right from the coffee shop to Game On to the Park and followed by a long drive, baby I just don’t get enough of you for the time spent that day was special.
September 5th – You complete a year with Deloitte and all I have to say if that  last 4 months what I feel is:

What started as a “liking” and transformed into  “Ignorance” followed by “loneliness” and the “Need for your love” helped me realize that you and me are special and as much as you belong to me, I belong to you and every second spent with you is so special that when I back track it just feels like a fortune cookie that was offered and upon breaking it just found that lady luck struck me and that luck in this story is you “A.S.K.”.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Another Day - People Views

Today "Sep 19th 2010" was a day of community service as we had 'Annadanam - Service to God by feeding our fellow beings'. It was fun as usual - friends, community with whom I've been mingling for most of my life and new faces and expressions like ignorance, humbleness and acceptance. What causes these difference in people, what is the actual reason behind different beliefs. Simple words like "thanks" and "Excuse me" loosing the dignity as "Move On" becomes a global cum generic term used by people to treat each other.

The best example that I can give is of our family, we saw everyone of them in church today. Not so long ago was a phase when we were a tightly knit bunch of maniacs, now we try to hide away which doesn't take long to inculcate - 'Escapism'. Wonder were is the world heading towards.

Everything put together - Materialistic pleasures over shadows everything, pretty simple to create differences. Once we master it the meaning of "life" changes drastically.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Life - Smile because it costs nothing

At 25 life teaches a person three things:

1. That life is not just another cycle which can be taken for granted as it needs lots of polishing.
2. Never Compromise as time lost is not worth regretting.
3. Get a smile on peoples face as its just the name which remains im-mortal and not the person. Moral - Give others a reason to smile by always living life as if its the last day - Dooms day rather

Today September 19th 2010 is special as tears rolled down thinking about the past, happiness, sadness, moments of utter disappointment and happiness which was short lived - so many expressions for a person to learn from something which is gifted to everyone called "Life".

Me saying - Be an example for others to follow you - It costs nothing (*smile it is magical)